5 Jan

“I’m going to get up early and talk a brisk walk in the dark freezing snow, in my less than stellar neighborhood”.  Who came up with that retarded idea?


The Big ‘E’asy

4 Jan

Tags not really used on this blog yet:

  • Exercise


I hate to exercise.  This is probably the most obvious statement ever uttered.  I can’t read when I am working out.  I can’t play video games when I am working out.  I can’t build a giant fort for Anime Boy and Tall Boy when I am working out.  I can’t reddit when I am working out.  I can’t have sex when I am.. well, I guess that counts but I definitely can not sleep when I am working out.  Working out just like, sucks man.  It can totally harsh my mellow.

That being said – I am going to start walking in the morning.  I’m going to get up earlier, go for a brisk 15 and come home and shower before class.  The plan is doing this in the morning on days I have class and after dinner on the days I do not have class.  This sounds like a TERRIBLE idea.  All those abandoned warm beds and pillows! Gah!  I almost wish someone read this blog so they can be all like “YOU GO GIRL!” and I could be all like “I knoooooooooow, right!”

I wonder if using the Wii Fit for stuff is actually worth it.  It’s probably not intense cardio or anything but anything is better than sitting on your butt, right?

Still haven’t smoked.  I really, really, really want to right now.

Today was a long day at school.  Only the 3rd day of our 2nd quarter and we have a test tomorrow. In the class that I don’t have a book for because for some reason my book is taking forever to arrive while everyone  else’s  arrived last week.  Naturally.  I scribbled notes in a manner that can only be described as chaotic.  Hoping for the best and for my Common Sense Gene to kick in. Which, to be fair, is how I approach every test.  On scribbles and dreams.


Not Guilty

3 Jan


Home from class!

Things I Did Today

  • Woke up late
  • Packed a normal sized ham on wheat for lunch.
  • Ate lunch at 9am because I was too rushed for breakfast.
  • Smelled wonderful – not like smoke and only slightly like ham.
  • Fell in the snow

Things I Did Not Do Today

  • Smoke
  • Eat an entire pie
  • Kill anyone

All in all, I would say I am batting… uhmm.  honestly I don’t even know enough about baseball to fake some sort of average.  Let’s just say I won some and I lost some.  Most importantly, I am not in jail for killing either one of the Annoying Girls in my courses today.

When I got home, I had a salad (green leaf lettuce, a handful of sugar snap peas and some red pepper) with fat free ranch and a Healthy Choice frozen thing.  The frozen thing was way, way good.  I am actually surprised on how good it was and how fresh it tasted.  Normally, I hate stuff like that.  I may be a compulsive eater but I am one who likes to eat good food. I am a fat food snob. Anyhow,  I bought enough of the frozen meals (all different flavors and brands) to last me 3 weeks (12 days) of after school meals.  After charting my calorie intake the past few months, I realized that my biggest offenders are

One: “OMG I Just Got Home and Need To CONSUME” hour and
Two: “Everyone is Sleeping and Boy Do These Leftovers Look Fiiiiiiiine” hour(s).

I figure the frozen meals would do me just fine for Issue One.  For Issue Two I plan on just going to sleep earlier.  Says the diagnosed  insomniac who still only sleeps 4 or 5  hours a night even though she takes a benzo strong enough to knock out a horse.


3 Jan

I have murder in my veins and the only thing that will fix it is a cigarette and an entire pie.

Mmmm.. guilt.

2 Jan


Prozac and Diet Dr. Pepper as soon as I rolled out of bed (and it was a roll too – when did I start rolling?!)

Breakfast of  Almond milk and a serving and a half of Special K.  And donut guilt from last night.  Nothing taste better in the morning than guilt.


I took  an other Xanax.  I am not prescribed them, and every time I swallow one I think about that one fucked up statistic that most health care workers are prescription drug abusers.  Something like 55% or something.  But then 78% of statistics are made up on the spot, so who knows.  The Xanax is keeping me from totally losing my shit when it comes to smoking.  I haven’t smoked since 1:10 am on December 31.  I wish I could have stopped before midnight but I was out for the night, high on fancy food and even fancier drinks.  Tomorrow I will take a half a pill, the day after, a quarter.  Ween myself off them just like I did smoking, bit by bit until I go cold turkey.   I know from quitting  before that, for me, it takes about 5 days for the habit part of nicotine withdrawal to leave and for me to start coughing my lungs up.

Stayed withing my calorie goal today, but still so much of it was fat and carbs.  I am hoping this will change when I go back to class tomorrow, get more active and have less time to wander around the kitchen.

How is this stuff easy for some people?

Late night donut fuck

1 Jan

I mentioned that my kids don’t see me smoke.  Tall Boy and Anime Boy have never even seen me smoke.  Little Girl  has but when she was too small to know what was going on.  A lot of people find this amazing and most likely untrue, but I swear on everything – it isvery, very true.

Since I don’t just light up in front of them, or ever smoke in the house, one of my most favorite smokes of the day is the one I have when all the kids are finally in bed for the night.  I sneak down the stairs and out the door and sit on the landing, pulling out my palmed cigarette  and sitting down and having that first drag.  Oooooh!  Perfection.  I used to know a girl, a sweet girl who had six kids all under the age of six who smoked only one cigarette and always at the same time as my favorite one.  As a young girl, I thought this was absurd and the lamest thing I have ever heard.  Now I admire her steal reserve.  I wish I could have that smoke.  I wish I had it right now.

But I know that I can’t.  One leads to two leads to a pack a day.

So tonight it was time for that cigarette.  And I was able to keep myself from it.
Unfortunately , I was not able to keep myself from the last glazed donut that had been sitting there cold and alone all day.  I only ended up 95 calories above my goal, and most of those daily calories were from fat and carbs.

Let’s hope for a better day tomorrow!

The first day of the rest of my… oooh coffee!

1 Jan


Coffee and Prozac for breakfast.

The Husband made my coffee this morning, he made it like usual, full of powdered creamer and sugar. As usual I took it with a smile and sipped away… made it 3/4 the way through the cup before I realized that the normal cup of coffee was not supposed to be the norm on today, THE DAY. Today is supposed to be the day where I change my life!! Today is the day where the need and desire for all things bad for me is supposed to leave my body and soul in rush, like smoke above the trees.

In any case, today was not supposed to be the day where I drank a cup of coffee that probably has about the same amount of calories as I have netted for myself for the entire day. Fuck!

I have however, still not smoked! I am not even that crabby. To be fair, I have been working towards quitting for the past few weeks and I don’t smoke when I am out with family or in front of my kids, so it isn’t like I am new to the idea of not smoking for hours and hours on end. The worse part about quitting now is that I am not even quitting for the health reasons, as stupid as that sounds. I have to quit so I can get a job when I finally finish these classes and my externship. I am quitting now because I know myself and I know that I am an all in or nothing kind of girl. And this year – I am all in.


Took the kids to the store with me – I figured it would not only let me spend time with them but keep me from doing my favorite thing to do when I drive – SMOKE!

Shopping was a challenge, trying to shop smart and find the balance between not buying a bunch of junk and not buying a bunch of “novelty” fat girl foods. Fat free dressing is okay. Fat free cookies when I don’t even eat cookies is a bad buy.

We got out of the store alive. A ton of fresh veggies and diet pop for me, Tall Boy picked out spinach dip and pumpernickel bread as a treat (OMG I WANT THAT BREAD!) and Little Girl picked out Pop Tarts (Bleeech, i’ll pass). I bought myself one treat, some goat cheese with port sauce and cranberry and whole wheat flatbread crackers.

Came home starving. Ready to make up a salad or some Greek yogurt or something similarly filling and not too bad for you. Aaaaand some joker ordered Pizza Hut while I was at the store. And I ate two pieces. And a bread stick. What was I thinking?


I want a smoke. I took a Xanax instead. Blerg.